Friday, June 8, 2012

Happy um... am I even celebrating?

My birthday is in eight days.  I’m not a fan of my birthday.  I really do not care about the whole getting older bit, it’s just a number but what gets to me is realizing what I have and have not accomplished by said age.

I know.  I know.  I know.  Everyone is on their own time line and has their own journey, but like everyone else, I have hopes and dreams.  Again, I DO know I’m young and “I’ve got time” (it’s my blog, gimmie a break)

I know I have time and the only real ticking clock has well over eight million minutes left on it, not to mention it’s the last thing on my “things I want to do/accomplish in life” list.

I see people celebrating their 35th and 40th birthdays and I wish that were me.  Why?  Because for some dumb, irrational idea I have thought, if only I was ___ years old, my life would be “set” (whatever the hell that means) with consistencies in my life.  UM, HELLO?  To obtain consistencies, you gotta find what ya like, whatcha hate and most importantly what works for you.  DUH ERIN

I think I know what I want out of life and I have the work ethic to get there BUT I am not the best at going outside my comfort zone, but I’ve realized that if I push my boundaries and put myself out there, I get to witness a piece of my dreams and wants coming true.

Yeah it sucks a bit having to tell your friends it’s your birthday.  It sucks even more having to plan a get together.  In my book I feel that it sounds a bit conceded to say “hey it’s my birthday, want to go out and celebrate with me?”
Yes, it’s a bit of a blow to the whole self-esteem, BUT in reality, we’re all at a stage in our lives where we are busy and consumed with starting our careers and navigating adulthood.  I can’t hold my friends at a higher standard than I have for myself.  They are busy.  I am busy. It’s hard to get in a night to yourself ever so often, let alone try to plan some goofy birthday celebration around everyone’s schedules.

As much as I would like to ignore it or deny it, dreams and goals of any sort take work, effort and a set of balls.  (oops, that might be a bit crude).  Therefore whether it’s having little birthday celebrations with friends or surviving Dr. Eden’s genetics course, it takes work.  Yes, it would be great to just easily grasp the entire molecular genealogy of dihybrid crosses and pure bliss to have friends that plan a birthday celebration every year for you, but UM, HELLO THAT IS NOT REALITY.  First off I have writing dyslexia, it is a struggle to determine the genotype and phenotype of the second generation with dihybrid crosses is confusing, let alone trying to keep it all the lowercase and capital letters* organized for the third and fourth generations.  In my head, it looks like alphabet soup in Japanese.  Erin and genetics do not mix. That course was blood sweat and tears, a lot of tears, but I survived it!  Friendship does not come easily to me, (I’m a tad socially awkward and insure).  I got to put work into the friendships.  It’s more than being social, heck, I could talk to a stonewall, it is about building relationships.  I need to swallow my pride and fears and say hey, it’s my birthday and I would like to spend it with you. After all, you got to give some to get some, right?  (get your minds out of the gutter!  That is NOT what I’m referring to!)
By no means is it a party and I WILL kill ahem, KILL anyone that attempts to get the restaurant to sing a certain song to me, but its time spent building friendships.  It just happens to be around a date that I turn another year older.

My wish this year is to realize the little things are really HUGE things.  I’m going to revel in the fact that I’m turning the age I’m turning, while working towards “setting” my life.  After all age, isn’t everything right?  I might bake cupcakes or deliver a huge balloon bouquet to celebrate one’s special day, but in reality, I do NOT want someone to do that for me.  I thought that was exactly what I wanted but it really could not be farther from the truth.  I just want to be reminded that I am liked/loved.  That’s it.  Nothing more.
It’s a wish that requires a lot on my part.  Take what I get for what it really means, not to question it or hope for more.  After all, it is MY birthday and more importantly my life.

This is HUGE for me, it is going to take a lot of work to change my mindset, but I got to start somewhere.  Living with the glass half-empty mantra is causing me to miss out on life, all of God’s blessings and the opportunities to really help me fulfill my goals and desires.  Plus, any support would be a colossal perk.

*I’m referring to punnet squares, I know they are not common in every day discussions, heck I wish I never heard of them, BUT if you’d like an explanation, my best advice is Google it.  My explanation will not get you very far.

1 comment:

  1. Oh I'm right there with you - I love making big deals out of my close friends/family birthdays, but when it comes time for my own I like it low key. I think most important is asking those you have/want relationships with to be there ... And if they make it weird then you may not want to pursue that friendship :) you deserve fun & happiness so go for it! And happy early birthday ( I promise I wouldn't make you wear the giant sombrero or sing the song in Spanish!)